Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I'm just a girl...

With the exception of my bizarre love of football, I am a girly girl. Always have been, always will be. I was never very good at sports (turns out you need coordination for most of them), I don't like to be sweaty and I am not really big on the outdoors unless it involves a beach or a pool that I am laying beside. I am who I am, and it really is just fine with me. I kind of just always assumed that I would have a daughter to dress up, play dolls with or braid her hair.... After two boys, it seems pretty clear that little assumption of mine is probably not going to happen. I love my boys, and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but being the "girly, girl" mommy that I am. Life with an entire house full of people with a y chromosome (including our dog) is sometimes a little overwhelming for a mommy like me.

The following is a small list that I compiled of things I never dreamed would come out of my mouth as a mother.

 #1 - "NO! NO! NO! We don't play with poop!" This was a response that I repeated 3 times in one week when Billy was 2 and made poop his entertainment during nap time. Play with your poop the first time... shame on you. Do it a second time... shame on me. Do it a third time... nap time is now a distant memory that I still like to daydream about to this day.

 #2 - "Can anyone aim in this house" Apparently not. There is not one bathroom in my house which has escaped urine on the walls, on the floor, on the side of the toilet and behind it. I can't even begin to imagine how urine gets behind a toilet.

 #3 - "I am sorry, I am a girl. I don't know why God made me a girl, he just did" Billy was quite angry with me a few weeks ago because I was a girl. He wanted us "all to be da same" and apparently me and my vagina had screwed that up. I really wanted to explain to him that if I was the same as "da west of dem", then he wouldn't be here but I resisted when I realized the turn that conversation would probably take.

#4 - "Can I please just use the bathroom ALONE!" I don't remember bothering my mother while she was in the bathroom but I actually believe that both my kids and the dog secretly wait for me to hit the bathroom before they are dying of thirst, want a snack, or want to know "what I am doing". I have explained to them that they have never found me in the bathroom throwing a party, or eating mounds of chocolate, or playing with a secret stash of Batman toys but they still have some deep seeded fear that they are missing out on something.

#5 - "Just pee in the yard" I do at least encourage that they face away from our neighbors and we generally only do this during the warm months when they are outside and either wet from swimming or filthy from doing boy things like rolling around in dirt, but this is a complete defense mechanism created by #2.

When I hear people say that "we are just not ready" for a baby yet, I chuckle to myself because I know that not one parent, including myself, looks back and thinks "yeah we were so prepared to raise human beings".  Even when you "think" you are ready, you are not. You never are fully prepared, because we are simply not capable of comprehending any of the wonderful or horrendous things parenting includes until we are actually, in the moment. I had no idea what I was getting myself into good and bad when becoming a parent. I never understood the instantaneous earth shattering love you feel when your first child is placed on your chest or the fact that my heart could double in size to fill up with that same love when my second was born. I never understood the pain I would feel to see my children sick or in the hospital and I never understood the pride I would feel when one of them walked up in front of the entire school to receive a student of the month award. However, if I have to be honest, I didn't understand the definition of exhaustion until I had children, or that at times I would become a "mean mommy" and not always find the time to shower. Although my mother told me that cleaning up your own child's throw up at 3 am wouldn't bother me, it is still gross, I still gag and practically have convulsions but I understand that she meant I wouldn't be resentful for having to do it and for that she is absolutely right.

I know that one day I will look back at this chaotic time with fondness, and I realized that today when Spiro moved his stool away from the bathroom sink because he is tall enough now to brush his teeth without it and Billy now tells me on a daily basis that he wants to do everything "all by myself". I am always pretty honest and animated when I discuss life with all boys and I may never get the girly girl I always assumed I would have, but maybe that's the way it is supposed to be. I may be the only girl in the house but maybe I am also supposed to be the only girl in their hearts... for now and that is certainly fine with me.

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